How I Met That Crazy Stupid Love

In a bar, at night, in New York, Manhattan
Loud chatter in the background.

Two men stand by the counter talking, Ed, dressed in a casual top not buttoned shirt, and a pair of jeans, and Bryan, wearing a pristine black tailored suit.

Ed: … and so I told my boss that I should be in charge of the project.

Bryan: She just gave you the look.

Ed: What?

Bryan: Girl at 5 o’clock. She gave you the look, like she wants you to come talk to her.

Ed: But what do I say to her?

Bryan: Doesn’t matter. It could be anything… Okay, try “I know what you want, and I can give it to you.”

Ed: Isn’t it a bit sketchy?

Bryan: Doesn’t matter, it’s all about the attitude.

Ed: I don’t know…

Bryan: Trust me. It’s about the attitude. Have you not listened to what the girls say on TikTok? Delulu is the solulu.

Ed: You’re on Tiktok?

Bryan: Anyway, do it.

Ed goes to the girl. The camera stays on Bryan. A loud slapping noise is heard through the bar, and Bryan’s face grins in pain. Ed comes back to the counter.

Ed: Damn I got slapped.

Bryan: Yeah I saw that. It must have hurt.

Ed: I told you your line was sketchy.

Bryan: Okay, how did you say it?

Ed: I just said it.

Bryan: Come on, there are the words, and there is how you say them. Pretend that I’m the girl, and that you’re saying the line to charm me.

Ed (forehead tilted forward, with a blank stare): I know what you want, and I can give it to you.

Bryan: That delivery was perfect…if you planned to murder her.

Ed: No, it’s your line that is lame.

Bryan: it’s your attitude.

Ed: It’s your line.

Bryan: It’s your attitude.

Ed: Okay! Prove it then. The red hair girl over there (pointing with his thumd to the other side of the counter). I’m pretty sure she gave you the look. Go to her and say your line.

Bryan (rehearsing the line in three different ways): I know what you want, and I can give it to you. … . I know what you want I can give to you… I know what you want I can give to you.

Bryan walks confidently to the red hair girl that strangely enough looks exactly like Emma Stone.

Bryan: I know what you want and I can give it you.

Emma (spits her beer) (recorded laughs in the background): Oh my god... Did you rehearse that line?

Bryan: Actually, I did. What did you think of the delivery?

Emma: I give it a six. For the attitude.

Bryan: That was my point… Now that you’ve wasted half of it because of me, can I buy you a drink?

Emma: Thank you, but no. I already know you’re a dead end.

Bryan: How is that? You’re a psychic or something?

Emma: No. It’s just self-respect. If we were to like one another, and date, what would I say to my friends: “He came up to me in a bar, and said: “I know what you want, and I can give it to you.” And I fell for that.” So thank you, but no for the drink.

Emma gets up from her chair, and starts walking away from the counter toward the opposite area of the bar.

Bryan (in a loud voice): Actually I was thinking something more casual than dating. (Bryan grins and whispers) raw sex.

Emma stops.

Emma: Ew… I wish I could unsee… whatever that was.

Bryan: Too late.

Emma walks towards Bryan.

Emma: But actually, I’ve got my best friend here. She’s been in the bathroom for the last five minutes. I think she’s crying her heart out because she broke up with her boyfriend for the sixth time. I don’t even know what to say to her anymore. Maybe you could hit on her. You could be a fun distraction.

Bryan: So I’m fun?

Emma: You’re a distraction.

Bryan: Sorry but I don’t do heartbroken girlfriends. Five minutes into the conversation, she’ll talk about her ex, and I’ll want to hang myself out of boredom.

Emma: I could tell that you were an empath.

Bryan: No I’m not… but my friend over there is. (points at Ed)

Emma: Hmm.

Bryan: Maybe we could pair them up together. He can be a bit clumsy when it comes to starting a conversation, but he’s actually a cool guy.

Emma: Yeah, it could be a way.

Emma’s friend comes out of the bathroom, still drying her tears. She’s a beautiful woman, with dark straight hair, a radiant face, and a light brown skin. She walks to Emma.

Bryan: Okay, but before we do that, promise me that you won’t tell him that I blew my chances with you with that first line. I was just trying to make a point. Deal?

Emma stares at him intensely for a second, then raises her hand.

Emma: Deal.

They shake their hand.

Bryan to Emma’s friend: Hey, have you met Ed?